I’ve been thinking about writing this piece for almost a year and I finally decided to pitch it to GQ India. It was originally published in the digital issue for GQ India issue and did really really well. I had people call me up from overseas asking me about my experience and sharing theirs. Here is the link to the original piece that was published.
http://www.gqindia.com/live-well/sex/12-things-you-learn-from-getting-divorced-under30/#the-courtship-and-dating-periodI am sharing the unedited version below. Would love to hear your thoughts.

I am 27 and divorced but I am not alone. I am surrounded by a lot of people at this
party where a large percentage of adults under 30 with whirlwind romances have
decided to split. While India has no central or even state-wise registry of divorce
data, family court officials say the number of divorce applications has doubled and
even tripled in cities such as Mumbai, Delhi, Bengaluru, Kolkata and Lucknow over
the past five years.

There are some things that family, friends and lawyers prepare you for but there are
other things that come up announced and hit you like a ton of bricks. I find being
open about it and bringing it up in conversation has helped me deal with it effectively
without letting it limit my life and work. Here are some tips (anecdotal and otherwise)
on how you can walk away relatively unscathed and move on with your life.

The Courtship and Dating Period

Take a Good, Hard Look at Yourself

Make the time to think about yourself, your aspirations, and what you’ve learned
about yourself from previous relationships. Think about whether you are ready to
meet someone and be vulnerable with him or her, but at the same time, feel strong
enough to handle heartbreak if it falls through. Work on becoming the strongest and
happiest you can be, before you embark on a serious relationship.

Trust Your Best Friends

It’s more important than you think that your budding romance/significant other gets
along with your closest friends. If there is animosity or awkwardness, you will have to
divide your time and attention between two very important aspects of your life, which
is never fun. If your friends persistently distrust or warn you about the person you are seeing, take
the time to listen to them before getting defensive; chances are, their worries are
probably genuine. Alternatively, if you are looking to meet someone, trust your closest friends to set you
up on some dates. Since they know the kind of people you gravitate towards and
what personalities work best with yours, they might just have a friend/acquaintance
you could hit it off with.

Slow Dance, Slow Down

Let’s say you’ve met the person of your dreams and you can’t wait to be bound in
holy matrimony forever, I urge you, to wait out the honeymoon period.
Cohabiting is a great way to get to know how your partners likes and dislikes, as well
as what drives them up the wall. Think of cohabiting as a marriage without the label;
if you can live together, share finances and responsibilities, have a few fights, and
still want to kiss each other wildly at the end of the day, living together once you’re
married won’t be too much of a change.
During the cohabiting period, make sure to dress up for each other, step out of the
house, and go to that restaurant/bar you have been eyeing. These outings have the
power to rekindle the honeymoon period, especially if you have fallen into a
mundane routine by living together.

Trust your Gut

If you find yourself questioning the relationship and compatibility in the months,
weeks, or even days leading up to your wedding day, try to identify the source of this
apprehension. While there is a difference between being scared of lifelong
commitment and questioning your feelings for your partner, both require serious
introspection, and maybe even a difficult conversation with your partner. If you just
bury your worries under the carpet, eventually you are bound to trip on them. One of
the biggest mistakes one can make is to carry on with the wedding to save face, as
well as honour the time and money one’s parents put in. The fact is, while your folks
put their hearts, souls, and hard-earned money into ensuring your wedding is the
best celebration, they, too, would tell you to take a step back if you are unsure.

Talk, Really Talk to Each Other

It’s extremely important that both parties are open about their expectations
beforehand, and, if you will be living with parents/parents-in-law, you need to have a
detailed discussion with them, as well. Many marriages are strained because of
parental pressure and expectations and it is best to brace yourself before you move
in.

While You’re Married

Respect Personal Space

Even the best of friends can get tired of being roommates. When you are living with
your spouse, make sure you don’t lose your own identity. Keep pursuing your own
hobbies and interests, no matter how different they may be from your spouse’s; if
you both do starkly different things, think of how much there will be to talk over
dinner. If your living space permits, make separate studies/nooks for both of you to
retreat to. While these can enhance productivity, they will also serve as safe spaces
for when you have an argument and need to cool off.
Additionally, don’t forget to make time for your closest friends. At several stages
during your marriage, you might find yourself turning to your friends for advice. It is
only right to appreciate their presence in your life at other times, as well. Let your
partner hang out with their best friends, too!

Babies are Miracles, but not Miracle Cures

Contrary to what your relatives and elders tell you, having babies will not fix your
marriage. While babies are absolutely adorable, being new parents means sleepless
nights and a truckload of responsibilities. Parenthood is something both parties must
be equally enthusiastic about, and, there is a danger that having children will
exacerbate problems in a rocky marriage, and make separation that much more
painful.

Sex and Sexiness

Granted that it’s absolutely the best when you and your spouse and comfortable
enough to order pizza several times a week and binge-watch TV shows, try not to
make this a habit. With a little bit of experimentation, you can both find a type of
physical activity you enjoy doing with each other. This will help you bond, and keep
you more active in the boudoir. Who doesn’t like an active lover?!

Splitting up

Don’t Beat Yourself Up

If your relationship is turning sour and your interactions are becoming toxic, the best
thing you can do for yourself is to extract yourself out of the equation. Counselling
comes handy when you are deliberating a divorce and when you are making multiple
trips to court because it helps to have a bouncing board or someone to rationale
with. I also found that having a couple of friends or family members that support you
and your decision really helps with the healing process. Remember that you’ve decided to opt out instead of staying miserable and you can get out relatively
unfettered.

Be Civil

It is important to remember that the person you are divorcing (probably) felt like the
love of your life. Even though divorce calls for splitting assets and belongings, be
practical and fair. A lot of the stuff that one ends up fighting about doesn’t matter
in the larger scheme of things. If you have applied for a divorce on mutual grounds-
talk like adults and divide shared items amicably. Don’t fight over things you can
replace with ease, or things that you know meant more to them than you. I have
heard of couples that have shared custody of their record/book collection- something
that is only possible if you are mature throughout the separation process.

Don’t Rush Into the Next Best Thing

When you do get divorced, you’ll be tempted to shack up with someone else out of
loneliness but the best thing to do (albeit hard) is to take your time to foster a healthy
relationship with yourself. For many people “casual sex” is just casual, whereas for
others, there might be a tendency to get attached. If you are in the latter group, jump
out of your comfort zone, take a course with a friend, travel to Mexico and do
something you’ve always wanted to do.

In the end, remember its your life to live and you’ve made this decision because its
best for you. Don’t become a victim of your circumstance. Spend this time to do
things you’ve been aching to do for years and don’t wait until tomorrow. It might feel
like you’ve hit rock bottom but the only way to go from here is up.